When I Run
by HeiShui
Summary: Edward's musings as he runs through the forest after leaving Bella. New Moon. Oneshot.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.**

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The trees, the greenery of Forks, flew past me. My legs carried me faster, faster, hoping to forget what I had left behind. Running had always been exhilarating to me – a pleasure, a joy.

Now it wasn't.

How could something that caused the only reason for my existence to end bring me any pleasure? How could hiding bring me joy?

If I closed my eyes, I could almost imagine her on my back, her soft, tiny frame wrapped around me, her face buried in my neck. I could almost smell her tantalizing scent, almost hear her quiet breathing, almost feel her pulse racing. I could almost pretend we were running just for the fun of it, just to escape the inquisitive eyes of my siblings. Almost like we were running back and forth from the meadow – our sanctuary. There I would gently place her down and we would forget as time passed. Just talking. That was all we needed.

I can remember like it was yesterday when she had been afraid of my inhumanly speed. I didn't resent her for that. I was who I was and I couldn't change that. I was almost glad – almost – that she had realized my potentially dangerous nature. No, not potential. I was a danger to her, her greatest threat. Yet she had always embraced me, beckoned me into her life – how could I resist such an invitation? Yet look where it has led both of us.

The wind slowed in my ears. I stopped in a small clearing in the forest, sitting down on a moss covered log, not caring if my pants got dirty. I wanted to be able to speak her name; I wanted to hear her voice. Every second away from her was torturing me but I couldn't go back. I hated myself. Yes, I utterly loathed myself for causing an angel such pain – to see her face crumpled and broken. To know that it was my words, lies but still from my unworthy mouth, had caused her such pain.

I buried my face in my hands. How could she believe me so easily? After all the thousands of times I've told her I loved her? After all the times I came back, doubting myself every second for her safety, after all the reassurances I spoke to ensure that she was the only one who had ever captured – captivated, ensnared – my heart. How could, after all that, she believe just a few words of difference? Was I really that convincing?

I couldn't think the name. I couldn't speak the name. I couldn't be enough for her. But every time I closed my eyes, it was her face behind my lids that I saw, waiting.

I needed to run, just to feel the wind in my hair and give me something to concentrate on besides her. I didn't care if I was running around in circles, trying desperately to avoid my family. I knew how much pain I had caused them. If it hadn't been for me, we wouldn't have to move out of this quaint little town we had come to know of as home. But she was the only one who made it home, the only one who I would ever want to come home to.

I wanted her to grow up and be happy without having a monster by her side. I wanted her to move on and forget about me, to age and have children with a loving husband who would never hurt her.

I wanted her to keep her soul.

Every time I ran, it felt like I was flying.

Sometimes I wish I could fly, like a bird. They seem so free, up in the air, their wings flapping carelessly, their light, tiny bodies riding on currents of air. Released from any burdens. Burdens that tied the rest of us down to earth, keeping us here to face whatever reality decided to throw at us next. It seemed like fate liked to intervene just a bit too much for my taste.

The trees, covered entirely in a layer of thick, velvety moss, blurred as I ran past them.

I can still hear the texture of her voice as she ranted about her favorite color at the time. Brown, she said it was, because it was warm. Forks was too green, alien like, covered up, blanketed, never revealing its true nature. Brown was a warm color, like her eyes, her luxuriant hair, her perfect face, her smile, her laugh…

The agony crippled me. I wondered what it was like for her. Did she feel this pain too?

No, she should never feel this kind of pain. No angel should. She will learn to live without me in time.

A droplet of rain pattered overhead and matted my already mussed hair against my forehead. At my speed, combined with the velocity of the raindrops, the pelting sky should have harmed me. I almost wish it did. It would be the very least nature could do to punish me. I have lied, I have sinned. I don't deserve to live.

Under the rain and the green, I could almost imagine we were racing to play baseball with my – no, our – family. All the others would be just on the other side of the impenetrable wall of trees. There we would find Emmett swinging an aluminum bat, Jasper tossing a ball back and forth with Alice, Esme and Rosalie sitting and watching on the hard ground, Carlisle setting up bases…It was a happier time back then, before her birthday.

If I was going to punish myself by leaving her, there was no harm in punishing myself by remembering.

I still couldn't think the name but I could remember the rich smell of her blood, seeping through her open wounds. How delicious it smelled, so forbidden yet that made it all the more appealing. The scent was floral, almost beautiful. But this was her, and everything about her was beautiful.

I tried to forget myself in the trees, tried to let go of the horrible deed I had done in this very wood, beneath the canopy of leaves and the musky, sylvan air. Her face lingered in my mind, her expression that of pain.

Sometimes when I run, I do it for the pleasure.

I never knew there could be so much agony in separation.

Running will never be the same without her.

**Review, please.**


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